Entry #8...

So I realize it's been a long time since I've blogged. And I really need to. 

Since my last post I have:

1) Lost my car... engine seized

2) Had a HUGE fight with my Father

3) Succumbed to On-line Dating

4) Pretty much started dating someone

and 5) Had a shitty performance evaluation at work

OH and 6) Went to the NKOTB/BSB concert

So what we thought was the starter turned out to just be the death of my car. It was just old. And ready to die. So it waited until it was parked on a nice sunny, quiet hill in a neighborhood overlooking downtown Kirkland. RIP Jimmy. Now I'm bumming rides from my friend that lives and works near me and I WAS getting rides from my father but he's STILL a douche bag after all these years. Which leads me to my next subject to vent on. 

    He comes over on a Sunday after he got off work. Sure- he worked a 12 hour day. Ok. Complaining he's tired before he asks me if I want to go across the street for a drink. Now- he KNOWS damn well I'm broke. Pretty much as bad as a homeless person although I do have a piggy bank I've not emptied out yet. He proceeds to ask me if I want to go out on the Thursday coming up. I tell him "Sure but I don't want to be out late". Excuse me but I WORK M-F and I get up early. So whatev. Then AFTER I agree he tells me "Good. I have a friend from work that is going to meet us there... He's 25..." Ok NOW I see what's going on here... This is a set up. So I point blank say "Are you trying to set me up?!" And he says "No- Im introducing you to a friend of mine; I dont really care where it goes from there.... RIIIIIIGHT. 

So Tuesday night I text my dad from work and tell him I won't be able to make it. I don't want to go. It will be AWKWARD as all hell... and I just don't want to go. So I'm not. I made up an excuse (lie) that my friend that has been giving me rides asked for my help with something and "how can I turn her down? She's been such a HUGE help to me" In which he responds "Yeah well so have I. I'm very disappointed in you" 

Um.... WHAT?! Aside from my lil fib- which I understand is wrong... IF I were actually telling the truth did he REALLY just throw that in my face? He's been there for me too!? A little background on my Father... He disappeared when I was TWO. And reappeared when I was 22. NOW can ya see why him throwing his shit in my face pissed me off so much?! ALSO- IF I hadn't been fibbing- I'm sorry but going to help a friend that has helped me is WAY more important than going to have drinks on a Thursday night!! WTF?! How can he NOT understand that. Needless to say- I found a woman at work who lives near me that I can carpool with... Eff him. He can kiss my white ass. (STILL SO PISSED)

ANYWAYS.... 

Online Dating. WHY?! OMG. Let me tell you why... Curiosity? And the fact that one of my best friends met her husband on the same site I signed up for. I met and exchanged phone numbers with TWO people on the site and then erased my account. The first guy.... What shall I call him.... Hmmmm.... Lets call him Dog. As in Dog the Bounty Hunter (because that is his goal in life... to be a bounty hunter...) So I go out and meet Dog at a bar near my place. We have a few beers and really hit it off! Nice guy. But TOTALLY not for me. 

Ohhhhh but this OTHER one. T R O U B L E :)

We're both literally giddy with excitement over one another. We have so much in common including our sense of humor which is HUGE for me. I NEED to laugh. Otherwise I go crazy. Well... even MORE crazy than I already am... Cute, right? Anyhow- so far so good only thing is.... He is divorced and has three kids. OK OK  wait wait don't write him off just yet. If I had- I wouldn't be on cloud 9 right now. He's on the same page as me about meeting his kids- which I was very worried about. I've dated guys with kids and for some reason they wanted me to meet them right away with no regard as to what it's doing to the children to have women in and out of their life like that... We've agreed that at LEAST six months down the road is a good time to start talking about it... Works for me! I'll see him tonight by the way... and I'm like a school girl... I can't stop smiling! Seriously- someone smack me. 

Just like with Mr Grade School I am trying to take things really slow... Not get too excited about something that will let me down  has the possibility to backfire. But I can't help it. I've tried- trust me. 

  Ugh work. I've nothing to say here because it will just piss me off and ruin my day. Basically- I work for a company that is understaffed and hesitant to hire more people. 

  Annnnnd NKOTB/BSB.... omg. BEST concert I've been to in quite some time! TOTAL flashback to grade school! Ahhhh the early days... When all ya had to worry about was homework and your mom TOTALLY embarrassing you when a boy called.... How I miss those days! 

That's it for now... Done venting. 

Entry #7: Friends Please!?

WHAT. THE. SHIT.

Why is it almost nearly impossible to have a guy that can handle just BEING YOUR FRIEND?! I think I have some reasons...
1. They're horn dogs. All of em. Don't care what you say.
2. Pride. They have too much damn pride to think they can't seduce you
3. They simply think differently than most women

So remember Frankfurt? (See Entry#5)
Well we hung out this last weekend... Good guy. Fun. Yadda yadda. We really don't have much in common and there's not much attraction there on my end... But we accidentally slipped and fell on to one another and did the dirty. Ugh. Ok. BAD IDEA. What the hell is my problem?! I was (still am) totally peeved about the whole deal with the Cowboy (Mr Grade School) that I just wanted to prove something to myself?! For my own selfish pride?! I'm a hot mess. Not only that but I really thought that we were on the same page... Just friends... that slept together once. APPARENTLY NOT. I had to get up early to go to work the next day and I let him stay to sleep. Told him to lock the door when he left. When I came home- there was a note on the counter:
"Thanks for letting me stay and sleep in! Hope you had a good day. Ill miss sleeping next to you tonight. <3 Frank"
.....
UMMMMMMMMM.... ok?! I can handle the note.... Sure. But he did something else. He CLEANED my apartment. Not like a Mr. Clean cleaning but he put the sheets in the laundry, made the bed, picked up the kitchen, lined up my shoes nice by the door and left me a freshly loaded bowl....
WHAT kind of guy does these things?! Even if they're your "friend"?! That totally took me off guard. I tried not to think much of it- maybe he's just being a nice guy. But NOW... ohhhh boy... Now he wants to hang out all the time. He texts me the little Kissy Face emoticon on the iPhones... and I'm just rather uncomfortable about it all.

Tuesday night I had car trouble.... Starter went out (FML!!) and was stranded for a bit. By the time I was rescued and got home it was like.... 11pm. I was annoyed, freaked out, stressed and just tired. So I went to bed. I woke up to 3 missed calls, a voice mail and 3 texts all from him. OMG. REALLY?! Ugh.
I courteously texted him to let him know I was fine and had fallen asleep. He then mentions that he even drove by my house to see if I was OK but it looked like no one was home... UM. WHAT?! Creeper. Seriously.
I did NOT intend for this to happen at all and now I fear that I can't even be his FRIEND anymore! Meatball and I were talking about this... we have noticed that lately- since we've gotten older- guys "catch feelings" WAY easier than girls do now. At least in our experiences...
Used to be when I wanted a serious relationship, and to have someone fall hard for me and be around all the time- I never could find that. Now that I DON'T want that- I am finding guys that do. How come we can't all just be on the same page?! Sheeeeeeeeesh!
Now I have to eventually tell Frankfurt that things are strictly friendly between us and risk losing a friend all for one night of not even that good drunken sex. RAWR.

Entry #6: Case of the Mondays

Seriously Monday? No one likes you... go away!

Although the weekend wasn't at all bad- I am still not fully ready for another work week. Especially here at this time. Everything is kind of a mess at the moment with the department. Lots of changes and new people and comings and goings.

I really actually had a lot of fun this weekend :) Spent it with The Ol Married Couple (they really aren't old at all- and not even married yet but for the sake of not naming names, that's what Ill call them) and my friend Frank. He came with me to their house and we tried to get our Century Club Membership. For those of you who don't know... Century Club is a drinking game of sorts. 100 shots of beer in 100 minutes. Word of advice: Do NOT have 6 beers before attempting to play... Not a great idea. Needless to say none of us made it all the way; and I was the first one out. Surprise surprise.

Saturday Meatball came up and we did our nails. There was a post on my fav website (www.hellogiggles.com) about Newspaper Print Nails. We wanted to give it a try and with much success! Very cute idea!

Entry #5: Let Down

So much for taking things slow! That was my goal... To take things slow with this guy... REALLLLLY slow. Because that's the complete opposite of what I usually do. Let everything unfold organically. I mean- it HAS to work if I do that, right? RIGHT?! Ugh- wrong. Fail. Not on my end- on HIS. 

Here's what happened... 

After not hearing from him very much for a couple days I simply asked "So- what's up with the cold shoulder?"

This got into a conversation that lead to this text from him "Honestly- I don't have the time I wish I did to invest in a relationship right now. I really like you and I have a lot of fun with you but I just don't think it would be fair to either of us right now."

Ok so.. after this I will admit- being as emotional as I have been lately (coupled with the fact that its that time of month) I had a bit of a breakdown. I sat on my bed, clutching my 24 year old teddy bear and cried. Cried because I felt like the first time I really did try to change myself and the way I do things (Re: Dating and rushing) didn't make a damn bit of difference; because I'm going through a really rough financial time right now, as so many people are; because I just felt unwanted and useless. Not good enough for anyone. Like I'll never be loved. It's safe to say I was feeling sorry for myself. So instead of doing what I usually do (drink!) I reached out to a friend of mine that is in a similar situation as me. He was at work and couldn't come hang so I just went to my Mom's and hung out with the family dog (Baxxter the Pug!) and just cooled down. 

Needless to say today I am feeling better. I know that this is SO not the end of the world. But I am still disappointed... I mean... What the shit?! I wasn't important enough for him to MAKE time in his life for lil ol me?! Whatever. Nix that negative thought. As my best girl says "Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and move the hell on"

Thanks Meatball :) That's EXACTLY what I am going to do! 

Entry#4: Smoking

Good God smoking is not easy to quit! I never realized at what points in the day/ my routine I generally stop for a ciggarette!
-Driving
-Stressful Moments
-Emotional Moments
-After meals
-When drinking
-When bored

It's definitily harder than I thought it would be. Did have a slip up at my friends house last night. It was such a horrible day at work that I used it as an excuse to bum a smoke from her. Oh well. It's in the past now.
I really am going to try to go through this entire day without smoking... or hurting someone in the process :)

Shit. I hope everyone stays out of my way today.

Entry #3: Dating

Dating is gross. There are just too many rules & exceptions. Don't get me wrong- I want to meet a man that I can be "happily ever after with" but honestly- the idea of starting from scratch again when something doesn't work out, TOTALLY turns me off. 

I mean... when is it too early to call or text him? Are YOU supposed to wait to hear from him? If you do- what if he thinks you aren't interested because you waited too long? At what point are you overbearing too soon or just right? I just cant understand or deal with any of this rationally. Which is part of many reasons why I have started this blog. To VENT. Rawr. 

Frustration of the day: 

So, great weekend with Mr. Grade School. He invited me out with his roommate and his roommates girlfriend to go see The Hangover 2 Monday night. Which was real fun, by the way.

I invited him over to my place on Tuesday night because he hasn't been there yet and has expressed an interest in coming over. So I went out on a limb and invited him... I got this response: "It's a possibility- Ill let ya know" .... I'M SORRY WHAT!?

"It's a possibility"?! Um no. I was for sure butt hurt. I mean... I went out on a limb here to invite this dude over because HE expressed an interest in seeing my place. Fine. Whatever. 

The next day- I didn't hear from him until 3PM. Ok. He works. Not a big deal. Whatever. 

(I understand that reading this from an outsiders perspective- you may want to say "You're crazy- get over it" and I whole-heartily agree with you.) Here's my deal: I over analyze everything. ALL THE TIME. I try to quit that shit. What really helps is venting it out and getting opinions from friends... My best friend says she's here to "take me away from the ledge". I thank her for that- haha. 

Apparently the reason I got a lame answer was because he was going to his parents house for dinner. Right on- family man. Like it. 

BUT WHY COULDN'T HE HAVE INCLUDED THAT IN HIS RESPONSE instead of leading me to think that he just maybe didn't want to hang out at all?! Ugh. People really just need to say what they REALLY mean. Seriously. I do. I risk being too blunt or too forward to speak the truth all the time. I expect the same from others. But again- whatever

SO THEN!.... He asks me later in the evening if I was still wanting to hang out... And I said yea. Although- I should have pretended I was busy and said "no". Whatever, again. Went over to his house and could totally tell he was exhausted. This is where my mind starts reeling again... "If he's so tired why did he invite me over?"..."Is it because he felt bad for not giving me a definitive answer earlier? Or is he genuinely interested in seeing me again? Or is he just bored and wanting company?"

See what I mean?! Can't shut my head up... seriously. 

We ended up watching another movie. Which is totally fine with me. On a weeknight sitting around and doing nothing doesn't bother me... hell- sometimes on the weekends it doesn't. 

He's got one couch in his living room and a chair. He lays on the couch while I sit at the edge... eventually he sits up and pulls me down so that I am laying on his chest. At that moment I think "He wouldn't have done this if he wasn't interested in me right? He woulda just let me sit there at the end of the couch...RIGHT?!" All is right in the world again. It was late when the movie was over. We laid there for a bit and then he says "Well I guess I better kick you out." 

Ugh. Fine. My issue is: I know it's late and we work tomorrow -but I really want to date someone who DOESN'T WANT TO "kick me out". :( Again... butt hurt. Someone please slap some sense into me! 

Sheeeeeesh!!! I'm a hot mess. No joke.) 

He had made a comment last night about his co-workers teasing him about his long hair and his scruffiness... 

They told him to tell me "God bless her for dating you!" 

Two things popped in my head... "You told them about me?!"

and then "Wait... WHAT did you tell them about me??"

He wouldn't have if he wasn't interested... RIGHT?! Here we go again... Goodness! 

So this morning I text him "Good morning! Have an awesome day! And remember to tell those co-workers of yours that I'm the lucky one!"............. God I'm so stupid. Here's the response I got "Good morning thanks you too"...... FML. 

So now... I will spend the rest of the day moping about this. OH! And not to mention- I'm trying to quit smoking. I really could use a cigarette right now though.... like- REALLY. 

Entry #2: Weekend

I had the most AMAZING weekend ever!

Got to meet up with a guy that I ran into.. Haven't seen him since ELEMENTARY SCHOOL! We went for a ride on his motorcycle on Saturday & then met up with a group of his friends at a local bar. It was very comfortable. I didn't feel like I had to get shit-faced to keep up with everyone or even just have the courage to interject conversation. I'm totally shy when meeting people for the first time... which is weird- to me at least. We then went back to his place to watch a movie- we both proceeded to fall in and out of sleep through the duration of most of it... but who cares. He cuddled me and I needed that!

Sunday I went dress shopping with my friend and the rest of the Bridal Party. We also went to see Bridesmaids. This trip was a TOTAL disaster though. First of all getting six girls to stick together in a mall wasn't easy. Secondly- no one was really agreeing on anything that was picked out. The Bride wasn't happy. Half of the Bridal Party ditched out on the movie also. All that coupled with my anxiety at huge malls just made the day d r a g on by. Needless to say- only TWO of us found our dresses. Yikes!
After that fiasco though- my elementary school crush invited me out on the bike again. Though when I got there it was starting to rain. Dinner and another movie to cap off the Sunday night!

First Entry

Do ya ever just want to sit down in a quiet room and write? I do. Though I have trouble remembering that I can do that- if that makes sense. I find myself keeping busy with other things when home. Cleaning, cooking, watching TV or reading. Or generally trying to find something to do so that I can get OUT of the house again. 
Living on my own for the first time has been wonderful, don't get me wrong. But I am a social butterfly. I crave interaction (which is odd because most people I simply don't care for in one way or another). Oftentimes this leads to trouble. I, more often than not, find myself at the "local watering hole" before I even realize I decided to go. And one beer inevitably leads to two or three more... Then I wonder why I have a raging headache early the next morning when TRYING to rise out of bed for work. Ugh... boredom... my arch enemy! 
So the point of this anonymous blog I have just created is to really just be able to vent. About anything and everything. Hopefully Ill pick up some followers along the way who can offer words of wisdom or just... words at all- ha ha